


MC Rescues Sayori From Depression

by UglyTurnip



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Comedy, Depression, Don't Examine This Too Closely, F/M, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Intentionally Uncool, Light-Hearted, Nonsense, Silly, Sunglasses, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 14:46:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15843471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UglyTurnip/pseuds/UglyTurnip
Summary: When Mr. Cow delivers distressing news to MC, he embarks on a race against time to save his childhood friend from the evil figure known as Depression.





	MC Rescues Sayori From Depression

One early morning, MC was sleeping rather peacefully in his bed. It was very comfy.

Suddenly, Mr. Cow busted down the door without so much as a courtesy knock. It woke MC up, and he didn't think that was very nice.

"Mr. Cow," MC scolded. "I don't think that was very nice."

"It's Sayori, you fool!" Mr. Cow shouted at the top of his stuffed lungs. "Her depression has finally reached critical levels! If you don't save her right now, she may not make it through the night!"

MC immediately rose to his feet. "What!? I must save her! Thank you, Mr. Cow!"

"Wait!" Mr. Cow gave MC a pair of sunglasses and a leather jacket. "Put these on; you will look cooler!"

"OK," said MC as he put the sunglasses on. He did, in fact, look cooler.

"Wow! I do look cooler. Now to save Sayori!"

And with that, MC took off at speeds that would even make Usain Bolt look slow. He was so fast, however, that a cop chased after him, mistaking him for a really small car. MC wanted to save his friend, but being a model citizen came first, so he stopped on the sidewalk.

"Hey, you're not a car," said the officer, who wore his very own pair of super-cool sunglasses. The officer was right: MC was not a car. "Why were you speeding?"

"Urgency!" Declared MC. "I must save my best friend from Depression!"

The cop dropped his walkie-talkie in horror. "Depression? We've been trying to catch that scumbag for years. You're free to go, and I'll even give you a police escort."

"OK," said MC, and then he continued running towards Sayori's house. The police officer tried to keep up as best as he could, but justice goes faster than police cars.

Sayori sat in her dark room. In her hands was a nice thick rope, perfect for tying a tire to a tree and swinging on it with your friends. Unfortunately, there were neither tires nor trees in Sayori's room. This meant that it likely had a much darker purpose.

A shadowy figure materialized behind Sayori. It was pretty scary looking.

"Hello, Sayori," said the figure. "I'm Depression."

"Hello, Depression," Sayori responded glumly. "How are you?"

"Honestly, I can't complain," Depression admitted. "You should hang yourself with that rope."

"I don't wanna," Sayori replied.

"Yes you do," Depression argued.

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"OK."

Suddenly, MC smashed through the wall thanks to the power of true love. He could have easily entered through the door, but that's a pretty lame entrance, to be fair.

"Who are you?" Depression inquired.

"I am MC."

"Cool sunglasses," Depression complimented.

"Thanks, you too," MC replied, despite the fact that Depression was not wearing sunglasses. "Now step away from Sayori, vile fiend! She is my best friend, and I will not let you harm her!"

"I'm your best friend?" Sayori gasped, her face beaming with newfound hope.

"No you're not," said Depression.

"OK."

"Do not poison her mind with your lies, Depression," MC rebuked. "Indeed, I did not go far enough in calling Sayori my best friend. I love her. I want to cuddle on the couch with her and give her lots of smooches on the face. Do you wish to take that away from me?"

"Yeah, kinda," said Depression. "I mean, I am evil."

"Wait," Sayori interrupted. "You love me?" Just the mere thought that such might be true was enough to make her cheeks burn with the intensity of a pool of lava inside a star that itself was inside an even bigger star.

"No he doesn't," said Depression.

"OK."

"Lies! Slander! Falsehoods! Yellow Journalism! Indignities!" All these interjections and more came from MC. "Begone with you, Depression!"

"Make me," said Depression.

"OK," said MC, and he walked over and punched Depression in the face.

"Ouch!" Cried Depression. "A bold move, but can you withstand my counterattack?"

"I think so," said MC.

"Nobody cares about you, MC," Depression said.

MC thought about it for a moment. "No. I have many friends in the literature club, and have reason to believe they would be sincerely sad if I was gone."

"True. I will now use a stronger attack: You contribute nothing useful to the world, MC."

"No. I help bring happiness and joy to people through the literature club."

"True. Then I must use my strongest attack: You should kill yourself, MC."

"No," MC said, and a literal _n_ _o_ came flying out of his mouth. It hit Depression in the face. Sayori giggled.

"Oh no!" Depression cried out in horror. "Your sense of self-worth and self-esteem are too high for me to damage them. I must flee at once!"

"You will not escape," MC assured, much to Depression's horror. "I have brought backup."

"Freeze!" Said the police officer from before as he entered the room, gun drawn. He came through the door, as he wasn't quite as cool as MC. Still, his help made him a pretty cool dude in his own right. "Depression, you are under arrest for the attempted murder of a cinnamon bun! How do you plead?"

Depression raised his hands up as a gesture of compliance. "No officer, you have it all wrong! I am innocent of this accusation!"

"No he's not," Sayori said.

"Yes I-. . . Forget it," Depression sighed. "Take me away."

And so, the officer walked over to Depression and put in him handcuffs. As soon as this deed was done, he instantly became chief of the police of the entire world for his heroism. He was a noble, honest cop, however, and did not let such power go to his head. Instead, he escorted Depression away without another word.

All became right with the world once again. Sayori laughed, and wrapped herself around MC's manly arms. He gave her many smooches on her forehead.

"Do you really love me, MC?" Sayori questioned, childlike hope in her eyes.

MC didn't respond with any words, because words are for losers. Instead, he just gave her a kiss on the lips. It was enough to confirm Sayori's suspicions.

"Wow," she swooned. "Truly, MC, you are a man of passionate love. Will you marry me?"

Instantly, MC's leather jacket transformed into a tuxedo. Sayori looked down to find herself in a wedding dress as beautiful as money could buy.

Mr. Cow entered the room. He was in a fancy tuxedo as well. "Congratulations, MC! You saved the day! I would've come sooner, but I was busy receiving my ordainment as a minister. You may now kiss the bride, by the way."

MC did just that. He and Sayori lived happily after, and had many babies together. MC made sure to buy super cool sunglasses for each and every one of them.

_The End_


End file.
